‘Like’ or Un-liked?

Am I "liked" or "un-liked?"

Am I “liked” or “un-liked?”

Sometimes I think Facebook regresses us to being 5th graders in elementary school again.

Everyone wants to be liked.  Everyone wants to be seen and accepted by others.  This is what we were made for as humans — to connect with one another.  This is why the ‘like’ button on Facebook (or on most social media platforms) is so addicting.  Whether we admit it or not, we feel really good as the number of ‘likes’ increases the minute after we post something online.

Have these thoughts ever crossed your mind:

“I wonder why Dan (*replace with your friend/arch rival/nemesis/somebody you compare yourself to…) didn’t ‘like’ the picture I posted? 

“I wonder why Dan gets more ‘likes’ on his posts.”

Sometimes you just want to set a rule between you and your friends that says:  “I’ll like your posts, if you’ll like mine!”  That way, nobody gets left out, and nobody is wondering if those friends who didn’t ‘like’ your post were inadvertently trying to tell you something in a passive-agressive way.  If you’re one of those people who has a tendency to seek the approval of others, the ‘like’ button could totally drive you into Facebook Depression or Facebook Social Anxiety.

The reason is that whenever we post a picture, a thought, an idea, or something about who we are , there is a temptation to associate our value to the amount of ‘likes’ we get from our friends.  There is a temptation to compare the number ‘likes’ another person gets on their post.  If we were to pursue these thoughts one step further, you might find yourself face-to-face with the real question behind these thoughts.

“I wonder why Dan didn’t ‘like’ the picture I posted?” turns into: “I ‘like’ his stuff all the time.  Am I just invisible or I guess I DON’T matter to him?”

“I wonder why Dan gets more ‘likes’ on his posts?” turns into: “What’s wrong with me?  Am I not good enough?”

I think this is the underlining question behind it all.  It is a question we have been asking even before you turned on your computer this morning.  It is a question we all have been asking even before the invention of a social network.  We’ve decided to enter into this life, trying to find our own answers to our worth, value, and personal meaning.  In my journey, I’ve found that the only person that could answer this question is God.

I came across two Henri Nouwen quotes that really help me see this:

“As long as I keep running about asking: “Do you love me? Do you really love me?” I give all power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with “ifs.” The world says: “Yes, I love you if you are good-looking, intelligent, and wealthy. I love you if you have a good education, a good job, and good connections. I love you if you produce much, sell much, and buy much.” There are endless “ifs” hidden in the world’s love. These “ifs” enslave me, since it is impossible to respond adequately to all of them. The world’s love is and always will be conditional. As long as I keep looking for my true self in the world of conditional love, I will remain “hooked” to the world-trying, failing,and trying again. It is a world that fosters addictions because what it offers cannot satisfy the deepest craving of my heart.”

“…The world tells you many lies about who you are, and you simply have to be realistic enough to remind yourself of this. Every time you feel hurt, offended, or rejected, you have to dare to say to yourself: ‘These feelings, strong as they may be, are not telling me the truth about myself. The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God’s eyes, called the Beloved from all eternity, and held safe in an everlasting belief.

THIS IS GOD’S ‘LIKE’ BUTTON.

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Games for Therapists and Parents: The Journey of Chutes and Ladders

chutesandladders

One of the games I loved AND hated as a kid was “Chutes and Ladders.”

Basically, “Chutes and Ladders” is a random game of chance that all depends on the spin of the spinner and where you land.  When I played the game as a kid, I rarely looked at the pictures, but the pictures actually try to teach the player that actions have consequences.  If you take a closer look at the pictures, good, productive, and helpful actions will be rewarded with good consequences and climbs up the ladder towards ‘winner’ tile, while silly, stupid, and bad actions will reap bad consequences and chutes that bring you further from the ‘winner’ tile. Overall, this is a game that’s great for teaching about consequences to younger, elementary school kids.

However, here’s a twist.  Play this game with your middle schooler, high schooler, or young adult, and call it, “The Journey of Chutes and Ladders.”

Whenever a person lands on a ladder that propels them forward, have the person talk about an event in their life where they felt like they were climbing the ladder, getting ahead in life, or just having a good day.  Have them talk about the circumstances or actions that led them to feel that way.  Have them talk about how that felt.

Whenever a person lands on a chute that drops them back, have the person talk about an event in their life where they felt like they fell, failed, or just having a bad day.  Have them talk about the circumstances or actions that led them to feel that way.  Have them talk about the feelings that they struggled with or if they were able to get out of it.

Allow the game to bring out the natural frustrations, disappointments, sadness, anger, or even excitement, elation, joy, and courage that this game could invoke, and allow everyone to relate or tie it to something that has happened to them in life.  Focus on these themes and keep these in mind as you play:

1.  Sometimes good or bad things happen outside of our control.  Life could be unfair.

2.  Process the feelings and celebrate the victories that were shared by each person.

3.  Process the feelings and grieve the losses, failures, crisis, mistakes, etc that were shared by each person.  Ask the person what was it that kept them going — “What strength did you lean on during that struggle?”

4.  The point of playing “Chutes and Ladders” this way is to focus on building connection, trust, safety, and rapport.  Listen, reflect, empathize, and also be willing to share.  (Therapists, this is a good time to be Rogerian.)  As I said before, if you’re a therapist, think of some things you’d be comfortable sharing that won’t disrupt your relationship with your client.  However, if you’re a parent, I would challenge you to be a bit more vulnerable, authentic, and real, especially if you’re kids are older.

In the end, our journey in life is full of “chutes and ladders,” failures and successes, disappointment and fulfillment, and struggles and victories.  We get stuck if we try to define ourselves by either one or the other.

Confidence is Walking a Tight Rope

Photo from firstsliveone.wordpress.com

Photo from firstsliveone.wordpress.com

I’ve always been someone who looked at confident people from a distance and wondered how they got to be so confident.  I envied them.  They never seem afraid or are filled with self-doubt.  I thought they were just perfectly confident all the time.  I longed to be like them, and I tried to pull my self-esteem up by its’ bootstraps, trying so hard to eliminate my fears and doubts, but it didn’t work.

Either I wind up feeling depressed because I couldn’t eliminate my fears, or I felt fake trying to suppress my self-doubts, pretending to be somebody I’m not.  Either way, I came to realize that my fears and doubt weren’t going anywhere.

I began to think about this.  Maybe the path to true confidence and better self-esteem (at least for me) is the journey through my fears and self-doubt.  Perhaps the feeling of confidence is not sterile of fears and doubts.  In fact, come to think of it, is confidence really confidence if you don’t feel any fear or doubt?

So, recently, whenever I thought about confidence, the image of walking a tight rope would pop into my head.  When we walk the line, the reality of falling is always there.  The fear of falling is very real and present, but I think confidence is the courage to just take the next step.

Don’t underestimate the tiniest movement, the slightest shift in attitude, or the unnoticeable amounts of trust and faith.

Confidence isn’t a demeanor, but the small choices we are willing to apply our courage to.  It is moving forward — even if it is only an inch.

Games for Therapists and Parents: Uno Feelings Game

Uno

This game is great for therapists and parents.  If you ever want to connect with your clients or your kids, ask them how they are doing in a non-threatening way by playing Uno with them!  My version of Uno is called, “The Uno Feelings Game.”

The rules are simple.  Basically, you play Uno, and whenever someone changes the color of the cards, the person share a feeling based on the color of the card.

If they change the deck to yellow or red, they would have to share a positive feeling (happy, confident, excited, etc) to the rest of the group.  If they change the deck to blue or green, they would have to share a negative feeling (sad, worried, angry, etc) to the rest of the group.  If they use a ‘wild’ card, they choose the color and share either a positive or negative feeling according to the color they chose.  Also, the game cannot continue until the person begins talking about a positive or negative feeling they’ve experienced.

I found this game to be really effective, even with high school kids, and because it is a game, it totally changes the mood and disarms our children.

The hard part is talking about your own feelings.  If you’re a therapist, think of some things you’d be comfortable sharing that won’t disrupt your relationship with your client.

However, if you’re a parent, I would challenge you to be a bit more vulnerable, authentic, and real, especially if you’re kids are older.  For example, parents, talk about the last time you tried and failed at something, and how you felt about it.

It will truly encourage, develop rapport, and build respect with your kids.

Never give up!

20131114-232113.jpg

Saw this on doghousediaries today. It’s true how we do our best trying to make plans for tomorrow, but that doesn’t mean things will turn out the way we want it.

Courage is showing up, despite the uncertainties and unpredictable nature of life. Our dreams, goals, and passions may cause us to feel uncertain, doubt, and at times, pain. However, whatever is meaningful and worth doing in life will demand such a sacrifice.

For me, it is also my faith. It is trusting in God, who sustains and strengthens me with His presence and love. I am not alone.

Myth: If you’re not _________ enough, people won’t like you…

you-are-enough-sleeping-at-last

I was listening to the song “You Are Enough” by Sleeping At Last on repeat this morning, and by the 5th time it played, Jayden was asleep in my arms and my eyes were filled with tears.  Here are the lyrics:

when we woke up
the world was figured out
beyond the beauty we’ve dreamt about.
this brilliant light is brighter than we’ve known,
without our darkness to prove it so.
still, we can’t help but to examine it,
to add our question marks to periods.
at the foot of our bed, we found an envelope…

“you are enough.”
these little words, somehow they’re changing us.
“you are enough.”
so we let our shadows fall away like dust.

when we grew up,
our shadows grew up too.
but they’re just old ghosts
that we grow attached to.
the tragic flaw is that they hide the truth

that you’re enough.
i promise you’re enough.
i promise you’re enough, i promise you.

“you are enough.”
these little words, somehow they’re changing us.
“you are enough,”
so we let our shadows fall away like dust.
“you are enough.”
these little words, somehow they’re changing us.
let it go, let it go, “you are enough.”
so we let our shadows fall away like dust.

In a world where it is easy to be defined by your talents, looks, abilities, and usefulness to others, Ryan O’ Neal penned these words beautifully.  It’s easy to take what the world thinks and impress that onto your own image of yourself.  From there it is a slippery slope, and the next step is to find our security and self-esteem based on this criteria.  We become commodities in a utilitarian world.

Brene Brown in Daring Greatly talked about this.  We believe that if we are not ______ enough, something bad will just happen to you…

What is your “______ enough?”

If you’re not beautiful enough, if you’re not talented enough, if you’re not smart enough, if you’re not dressed nice enough, if you’re not likable enough, if you’re not useful enough, if you’re not academically superior enough, if you’re not attractive enough, if you’re not muscular enough, if you’re not unique enough, if you’re not skinny enough, if you’re not manly enough, if you’re not strong enough… if you’re not good enough?

What do you do when you find out when you’re not enough?

What we fear will happen varies with each person, but for me, I feared that people will reject and dislike me.  Whatever it is for you, there may be a strong shame element to it if you’re identity and worth is involved.

And that is when we need to hear the message that “You’re enough,” that you’re worth loving, that you’re worth sacrificing for, that you are worth it…from the one who loves you.

Who is that for you?

Check out the song.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khPoCXIpLyk

Prepare Enrich Certification and Training

We, at SGVCounseling, believe in the importance of personal and professional growth.  It hones us to be better therapists and counselors, who can walk with others on their journey.

One of the tools we use for couples counseling is Prepare Enrich.  If you are a counselor, therapist, mentor, life coach, psychologist, minister, church elder or volunteer, and you are passionate about helping couples grow in their relationship, Prepare Enrich is a great tool!

Check out the training and certification workshop, led by our friend, Joe Whitcomb.  There’s one coming up on Saturday, November 16, here in San Gabriel Valley.

https://sgvcounseling.com/services/prepare-enrich-training/